He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
