Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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