I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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