My Higher Power is John Stamos
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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