I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm at about main and main street
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
