we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
