I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
