she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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