And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
