if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
