I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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