Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it's like iHOP with fire
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Randomize
