The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
