I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
