i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
