my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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