i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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