Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
