WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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