Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
