Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
