dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
