Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
