My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
