The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
