dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Your cock deserves a montage
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
