if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
