I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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