Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
