Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
