Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
