Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
