you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
