we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
