You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
