On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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