My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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