My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
