Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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