The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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