You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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