the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
