Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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