Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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