where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
