Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
what day is it and did you see me today?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
