why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
