Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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