i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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