Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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